The Fucking
French
Biltong

What is Biltong?

Biltong is beef.

Then someone forgot it outside.

This is the entire history of biltong.

South Africans will tell you there is more to it. There is vinegar. There is coriander. There is a specific drying process involving a box with a fan.

The French invented charcuterie in the 12th century.

South Africans invented a box with a fan.

We are not saying which is more impressive.

We are letting you decide.

French Dry Sausage — A Brief History

The French perfected the concept of dried meat centuries ago.

We took pork.

Added culture.

Added wine.

Added history.

Added flavour.

Added a name: saucisson.

Then South Africans arrived and removed everything.

What remained was biltong.

This is not a criticism.

This is an observation.

We observe it with love.

Mostly.

The Seven Regional Varieties You Need to Know

Saucisson de Lyon — the original. Pork, fat, seasoning, patience.

Saucisson d'Arles — more rustic, from Provence. The one your grandmother kept in a drawer.

Rosette de Lyon — long, thin, elegant. The supermodel of dried sausage.

Jesus de Lyon — large, generous, shaped like a... well.

Saucisson de Savoie — mountain air, alpine herbs, cold cellars.

Coppa — technically Corsican, technically Italian, entirely French in attitude.

Biltong — none of these. A beef stick from Namibia. We include it for context.

How to Eat Saucisson Like a French Person

Slice it.

Not too thin. Not too thick. Thick enough to taste something, thin enough to fit in your mouth without effort.

Put it on a board.

Add cornichons. Always cornichons. This is not optional.

Add some bread. A slice of baguette, ideally. Something with crust.

Pour a glass of Côtes du Rhône or a Beaujolais.

Stand in the kitchen.

Do not sit at a table for this. The saucisson board is eaten standing, in the kitchen, before dinner.

It is called the apéritif.

It is the best meal of the day.

Nobody in France disagrees with this.

A Note on the Biltong Box

The biltong box is a wooden box with a lightbulb inside and a small fan.

You hang meat in it.

You wait.

The French spent 600 years developing cellars with specific humidity, temperature, and airflow optimised for curing meat.

South Africans built a box.

We admire the pragmatism.

The French admire almost nothing.

We are making an exception today.

The box works.

The saucisson is still better.

The Apéritif — A French Institution

The apéritif is the ritual before dinner.

It exists in every French household.

It involves wine, or pastis, or champagne.

It involves saucisson, or olives, or both.

It involves standing in the kitchen or the garden.

It lasts exactly as long as it needs to.

Nobody rushes the apéritif.

Nobody leaves the apéritif.

The apéritif is when French people are happiest.

This is not a coincidence.